Lactose Intolerance: Big Brother is watching ... your milk

The Louisville Food Police, tipped off that unauthorized milk-drinking was going on, tried to break up an illicit milk operation, only to be foiled at the last minute by, well, the law.

Turns out members of a food cooperative, the Whole Life Buying Club, were drinking raw milk. That's right. Milk straight from the cow, a practice equivalent to eating eggs straight from chickens, and vegetables freshly picked from garden plants (grown in dirt).

Don't these people realize that there is no need to risk your health eating natural foods any more? Do they not know that there are plenty of processed foods out there with enough preservatives in them to eliminate the need for embalming when you die?

The Club has apparently been growing the cows on a farm outside of Louisville, having them milked, and then transporting the illicit product back to their own homes. In their own cars. Driven by themselves. Outside the supervision of government bureaucrats.

When the crack Milk Team 6 of the Department of Health and Wellness stormed the group's compound, they acted quickly to quarantine the dangerous substance. The operation was almost foiled when one of the three helicopters used in the raid crashed inside the grounds, tipping off the farmers. But the fast thinking members of the unit completed the rest of the operation without a hitch and in addition gained a treasure trove of intelligence on the group's activities when it confiscated stacks of back issues of Acres, U.S.A., Small Farmers Journal, and Mother Earth News.

"It was the lactic equivalent of a crack house," said an unidentified source within the Department. "It was a lac house."

Now hang on a second ... Um, there's a chance we could be mixing this story up with another one. I'll check on it. But in any case, the Department had to back off because, as it turned out, the members of the milk ring actually owned the cows that were producing the milk they were drinking, creating a constitutional question concerning the right of government bureaucrats to take away the milk someone got from his own cow.

But don't count out the Food Police yet. These are serious, dedicated people who are concerned about the milk you drink. It is not clear how they feel about your cookies.