Thursday, August 23, 2012

Toys that should be sent to Russia for trial

“Drag Queen Barbie” is the most recent person/object to be nominated by the Committee for Cultural Cleansing to be sent to Russia for trial. In fact, the recommendation was even broader in its scope.

The Mattel toy company recently rolled out what some people are referring to as the “Drag Queen Barbie.” The new doll is officially called the “Blond Diamond Barbie” and was designed by “the Blonds,” a New York fashion duo.

“One of the great things about Barbie," said Cathy Cline, vice president of marketing for Mattel, "is that she continues to push the envelope ... Barbie doesn’t worry about what other people think.”

But just as the Committee (which consists of me and … well, basically just me) was about to vote on the recommendation, it was reported that Mattel, apparently worried about what other people think, was denying that the Blond Diamond Barbie was a drag queen.

The toy company said that the doll was entirely female.

The Blond Diamond Barbie just happens to look just like Phillipe Blond. Who designed Blond Diamond Barbie. And who has the same name. And who is a drag queen.

Instead of being a male impersonating a female, Blond Diamond Queen Barbie is a female impersonating a male impersonating a female. What a relief.

To verify Mattel’s claim that Blond Diamond Barbie was really female and not a drag queen, the Committee appointed a subcommittee (made up of member(s) of the Committee) to actually inspect the doll and determine its gender. But after conducting a simple inspection, it was decided that the doll’s gender could not be determined. After further inspection, which included an analysis of older Barbie and Ken dolls, the subcommittee discovered a serious anomaly.

“In fact,” said a spokesperson, “we discovered that even traditional Barbie and Ken dolls were almost completely androgynous. This is shocking.”

After the subcommittee made its report to the full Committee, the group decided to broaden its recommendation. It voted to send not only Blond Diamond Barbie, but basically all Barbie and Ken dolls to Russia for trial. And Mattel executives. And fashion designers.

The vote was unanimous.

1 comment:

ZPenn said...

At this point you should send the remaining Pythons to trial. They had men impersonating women impersonating men in Life of Brian. Graham Chapman's character also screwed up his Latin big time. You should special order his ashes be retrieved and sent to Russia to stand trial with his Python bretheren. You should also send me to trial as well, because I played a woman in a school play in high school. Also, I played a gay character in a local theater production my freshman year of college, so that might qualify me for some form of CCC extradition. Honestly, I've always wanted to visit Eastern Europe, I hear they have beautiful women there.