Thursday, September 20, 2012

Christian violence breaks out over claim that Jesus had a wife

A Harvard researcher has unveiled a papyrus fragment indicating Jesus may have had a wife, an announcement that has sent Christians into paroxysms of indignation, and setting off violent demonstrations at universities all over the country.

Much in the same way that they responded to the Monty Python movie, "Life of Brian," and Dan Brown's book the Da Vinci Code, crowds of angry Christians are reportedly rioting and the professor who turned the fragment up is being burned in effigy. Lutheran mobs at Northwestern and Catholic hordes at Georgetown University are burning school pennants in the street. At Harvard, Christian students set fire to the divinity school which housed the professor who revealed the papyrus.

In Lakewood, Texas, Joel Osteen, speaking to an angry crowd of non-denominational Christians, declared with a frightening smile, "These trials and tests are necessary to come up higher and become all that God has created us to be." His incendiary remarks sent the well-dressed mob in front of his church into a frenzy of smiles and handshakes.

They angrily chanted "May academic researchers only get 25 of the 31 promises to speak over their lives!" and "May it take them 10, instead of 7 steps to live up to their full potential!"

One particularly inflammatory sign warned, "I hope you become only a moderately better you!"

All across the country ... Wait a second. Let me check these reports again.  Hmmm.  I think I didn't read these right.

Turns out that there have been no Christian protests at all. They have been quietly responding like they always do whenever someone in opposition to their beliefs. And in the case of the sensationalist announcement about the papyrus fragment that appears to show Jesus referring to his wife, even the professor who released it admits it doesn't prove anything.



Anonymous said...

Yea, but just wait until they find out Jesus was (is) a liberal Democrat. Then, God help Bill Moyers.

ZPenn said...

I'll give Christianity credit. They (as a general rule) are very good about handling criticism in a civilized manner. Westboro crazies exist, but most Christians tend to be pretty chill when it comes to political cartoons depicting Jesus, etc.

hadsil said...

This will get the Christians riled up to riot: Jesus was a Jew!

Martin Cothran said...


I know what you mean. Just look at the way evangelicals treat the state of Israel.